Rats, I'm Mortal

When oh when did I become subject to the laws of nature? I recently got the results of my physical back. Normally I love getting test results; seeing everything fall squarely into "normal" or "optimal" makes me feel like the board of bad habits and dumb decisions has been wiped clean, and that piece of paper has certified me good as new.

Except this time.

My LDL cholesterol shot up 50 points in 15 months.

Stupid test.

Don't my arteries know that they have taken up abode in the woman who can eat fatty foods, not exercise, be in a constant state of anxiety, and still pump blood freely through her thin veins for her thin (subject to interpretation) body?

I look up what types of food consumption lead to high LDL cholesterol levels. Oh, just: bacon, butter, red meat, organ meats, french fries, cream, cream sauces and dressings, sour cream, hashbrowns.

Oh, just my entire diet. See exhibits below:

-hashbrowns
-cream, crappy cream actually
-organ meats
-red meat
-more red meat
-and more
-with some cheese
-let's not forget fries

This all in less than thirty days.

So I decide to visit the gym. The gym in my building. That's open 24 hours. That is usually too far and too inconvenient to patronize.

And I nearly die on the elliptical that first day. Twenty minutes. Slow jog. Torture.

Day two and three are not much better.

Day four I call the doctor. Explain my worries to the receptionist, who conveys message to doctor. He sics the nurse on me, and I receive a call from her in the afternoon. She talks me down. Says its okay. My high HDL cholesterol balances things -- some. Just eat better and exercise more.

I haven't been to the gym since. Dinner last night? Fully loaded nachos.

Can one lease a defibrillator?